Hope Always

"What's Inside" by Nico Mazza

"What's Inside" by Nico Mazza

My husband and I have conceived twelve times. However, we have five children (including a set of twins). During our childbearing experiences I have miscarried eight times. The loss of not only a baby, but of all the hopes and dreams wrapped up in that child, is a uniquely female experience. A woman's body, almost immediately after conception, becomes not only her body, but the lifeline for another. You notice changes quickly...this process of a changing body is hard for a man to understand.

I have always known the moment I lost a baby...I woke up feeling "unpregnant" and scared each time. I have reassured sonogram techs who had to deliver bad news to me, as I became a reluctant "pro" at miscarriage. The emptiness that followed each loss is unknown to a man, although I know my husband grieved. People say dumb things without meaning to. "It's nature's way of taking care of a deformed child," or "you'll bounce back quickly," or even "be grateful for the children you have," as if children are interchangeable and a lost one is worth less if you have a living one.

But this I know on a deep level: since I was created with a purpose that points people to a living God, so were each of my lost babies. And they live in a place where they are perfect, and I will meet them one day! So my unique female experience is that I not only know what it is to feel a part of a baby of mine dying away, but to know that part of that child lives on and awaits my arrival in heaven. I can't wait.

Submitted by Anonymous, Edited by Arianne Keegan